Elevate

Do you ever ask yourself, is this what I’m supposed to be doing, and is this the person I want to be? I am going to go into a little depth of my world. My Mindy world.

The past few years have been quite a transition for me. I could slowly feel myself piece by piece losing the parts that make me who I am. I was dissolving into a shell of a human and didn’t see it coming. Until I fell, and I fell hard.

I have learned over the years not to care what others think, and it is quite freeing to feel that. I live my life how I want for my family, and anything that disturbed that peace or happiness was noticed and kept at a distance. I unfortunately didn’t realize the ones that would hurt me the most were the ones I relied on the most. I couldn’t understand why certain things would bother me. Dustin would ask me why I let it get to me so much, and I never understood why either, because no one else’s opinions of me mattered or at least I thought. I got to a place where I realized it was an approval thing, I felt inadequate a lot with this circle, and I always needed to try my hardest to be something different. Something they expected me to be. It was a weird tug of war internally that I had to battle. I felt useless and was told many times so many things I was doing wrong, or what a horrible human I was, a bad mother, that something was wrong with me and the countless verbal words that were thrown at me. After hearing the same things over and over about how awful a person I was, and the countless things said to me just tore me down little by little. I would learn to take it and deal with it and be strong for my happy side of the world. My husband and kids. They were my everything, and I could be happy on the outside, but inside I was being hammered over and over. Trying to be so tough for everyone. I would cry silently, listen to music, self-talk and reassurance. Then I would constantly question what I could do to change for them. For what they expected me to be. I felt like I lived in two different worlds. One side was so happy, bright and beautiful, and the other was dark, fragile and a struggle to maintain being healthy. It pulled and pulled at me; I could only be strong so long.

I began to slowly disintegrate. I was in survival mode and trying to live by my life’s motto “just keep swimming,” but I was drowning, and eventually I was head under. I could feel the sadness creep in, the frustration and hurt which came out as anger. I was not me, I was breaking. I got to a really dark place. I questioned if it was worth it to even be here anymore and everyone would be better off without Mindy. Am I going to scar my children because I wasn’t strong enough to get through these struggles I was given? I began to sleep more, I didn’t want to eat, I was losing weight and had no motivation to do anything even get to the shower, I would just physically collapse. Those days turned into weeks, darker weeks, and I eventually couldn’t function. My husband and kids watched me disappear. Their mom wasn’t there anymore. She was so sad, so hurt, and so lost. I was. So, so lost.

I could feel the sadness and hopelessness in my husband who did everything possible to be there for me and support me. We both had to learn how to maneuver through this one day at a time. I could hear the words and actions I have been through come to a screaming head when my body gave out. My husband said, “You are dying on me.” I quietly said, “I know.” So he scooped me up and got me to the hospital. I felt this release of control; I had none left, and I just gave myself up. I handed my life over to some higher power I knew was there, and I was ok with that.

Dustin and my kids were all very aware of everything and why. They all rallied together and became my biggest cheer team, my rock and my reason to keep going. To keep fighting and find myself again.

I was admitted as a patient and got the proper help in many ways. I had a whole team rallying for me, doing everything I needed, I just let it be. My kids and Dustin visited me and brought me so much joy and calmness through the unknown. It was such a beautiful transition and an awakening in myself. I already knew I couldn’t change others, but it’s a whole different aspect when you get to that acceptance of the “let them” theory. I live by that with everyone, but I couldn’t get there with this specific situation. I remember the weight that was lifted off me when I took the professional’s advice, as well as many amazing friends and family members who were also quietly there for me through this. My therapist gave me some amazing advice when I was concerned about my choices that needed to be made for me to get to a healthy place. I was so worried about the negative outcome. He said, “Sometimes the right choice will have a negative outcome, but it’s still the right choice for you.” I took that in so deeply. It was so true.

After that, it was me working my way back up. I had to rebuild and find myself again. I focused solely on those who brought me positivity and happiness and anyone else is no longer allowed into my world. I set stronger boundaries for myself, because without myself, this world isn’t right. I never realized how much I meant and brought to my little family. We always feel like we aren’t enough as mothers and wives, or even as individuals, but I am. I am far from perfect and its going to be a life long situation I have to maneuver through, but every choice I make is putting me first. I remember I always said, if you don’t put yourself first and take care of you, you can’t take care of others. It’s eye-opening when it’s you and you’re the one going through the same advice you would give to others. The struggle to stay in the positive and around the people who bring you up. I really focused on that. What brings me real happiness and how to level up in life. I am a huge believer in what’s meant to be. This wasn’t a mistake that my body collapsed. It was showing me that I couldn’t physically handle it anymore. The mental became physical and it shattered me. I had to find those broken pieces and put them back together. I knew it wasn’t going to happen overnight but I was ready. I was there. I was ok. I was going to be ok.

The smile came back, the clarity of life came back, the motivation came back, my life came back. My husbands wife came back. The kids mom came back. I did it. It was so freaking hard but life gave me this struggle and I conquered it. My kids have voiced how proud they are of me and they openly talk about it and we have all learned through this all. My daughter even wrote a paper on it, it was so wonderfully written, so raw and real. She even told me she wants to be a mom just like me. I don’t think any words have made me feel like I’ve won at life hearing that. We are a very open family and talk about our struggles and how life isn’t easy but always look for the positive and the circle that brings you that. Be aware of snakes in the grass but stay true to yourself. Hurt people hurt people so be patient and understanding towards those people. They are also dealing with their own demons. Spread kindness and happiness. I always say I love kind people, and I don’t take that lightly. I am a very good judge of character, and it doesn’t take me long to figure it out. I am thankful for my amazing humans and those who have shown me love and grace through this all. I will say it is a sad pill to swallow that the ones I thought would be those people, made it very clear, they aren’t. But that’s ok. I’m ok and at peace with that now. I will improve on my own individual self where needed, but I’m not going to change who I am for anyone when it’s not true to me. If you don’t like it, you’re welcome to leave… if I let you in.

I am ready for this next chapter of life, because that’s what this was, a chapter in my life’s story. Mine is still being written, and I’m here. I’m still here for the ride. I’m fully awake and it’s so beautiful to feel this way. The smile and laugh are here, and here to stay.

You might say I have elevated.